My best Craigslist ad ever

See it on Craigslist:

Here’s the text:

Philosophers Wanted: Get Your Ideal Existential Crisis Car – $1999 (Fort Morgan)

Are you tired of the shackles of economic materialism? Dude, you’ll never gain any street cred with the proletariat if your sporty late-model sedan makes you a poster child for the bourgeoisie. You need this 2000 VW Passat Wagon now.

Let’s be real for a minute. If Max Weber, Karl Marx, or Georg Hegel were alive today, would they be driving Huyndais? Heck no (assuming you believe in Heck). You need some precision German engineering to help alleviate the pain of ontological shock.

Don’t be constrained by deontological constructs which dictate that a car should offer heat, air conditioning, or power steering. After all, Nitzsche says you are an Übermensch who can create your own values, right? Plus, if you die in a fiery crash (perhaps by driving into the abyss?), you can stay calm in your smug nihilism, because life and death are entirely devoid of meaning anyway.

Think about the intellectual thrill of pondering balance and dualism while scraping the windshield on the outside and the inside. Cars with working defrosters simply can’t offer this depth of philosophical experience.

If you’re more of a John Stuart Mill type, this car is more utilitarian than a sport utility vehicle. While providing necessary transportation, it provides very little opportunity for harmful hedonism. It won’t even tell you the outside temperature (see photos).

Sartre fan? Of course you are. Consider the benefits of the broken sound system with AM/FM radio, cassette deck, and CD changer. You will hear no sound from this radio, which is clearly a superior nothingness compared to listening to no sound from a simple AM/FM model.

By the way, if you happen to be a hard determinist, you will buy this car regardless of your contrary preferences or desires. You might as well send your money now. Speaking of determinism, you Aquinians out there will be particularly pleased to know that this car has never been in an accident, because accidents do not exist.

On the other hand, if you follow Berkeley and his explanation of bundle theory, the car is simply a collection of various properties, and the object itself does not exist. A few fender-benders shouldn’t be a deal-breaker if you don’t believe in the car in the first place (see photos if you are willing to temporarily suspend that disbelief).

You Whitehead-loving process philosophers out there will be ecstatic to know that this vehicle has experienced a change within. The motor was replaced around 130,000 miles by a previous owner. No documentation of this work is available, but don’t worry, just channel some Solipism, and realize that nothing can be known, anyway.

I am asking only $1999 for this extremely valuable vehicle (unless you are nihilist, in which case value is nonexistent, but you still can’t have my car without paying for it). You may think that this is a high price, but I subscribe to Adam Smith’s idea of enlightened self-interest. By giving you the opportunity to own my 2000 Passat Wagon, I receive remuneration that enables me to buy another car that will allow me to carry my entire family, which is not currently possible due to non-Sartre-approved oppressive government regulations regarding safety seats. As long as my children grow up to serve the greater good, the world will benefit from your purchase.

However, my asking price is intentionally high because, like Hobbes, I maintain that humans are inherently evil. This leaves room for negotiation between us.

The car is located in Fort Morgan, Colorado. The town is not the birthplace of Alfred North Whitehead, but it is the birthplace of Robert G. Whitehead, the man who marketed Blue Star Ointment. That’s close, right?

Act now, because if Heraclitus is correct, the car, my offer, and the world itself will have changed by the time you read this.

  • Location: Fort Morgan
  • do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers